


little earthquakes

by madfatty



Category: My Mad Fat Diary
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-10
Updated: 2017-05-10
Packaged: 2018-10-30 05:10:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,079
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10869783
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/madfatty/pseuds/madfatty
Summary: She's Rae's biggest fan, but Chloe wasn't raised for second place. Built around the 'beer mat of happiness' scene; season 2 Episode 6 "Not I"Originally posted to tumblr 20/11/16





	little earthquakes

**Author's Note:**

> We're not always just one thing. Chloe isn't just one thing and maybe nice is what she needs. 
> 
>  

She thought she’d have more time to decide. Who she wanted. If she even did. But then she’d spotted Rae that Wednesday afternoon and her excitement had got the better of her.  


Chloe can’t remember who pulled away first. She could argue it was Rae’s increasingly distant behaviour that had driven her to seek out a new crowd, but when Rae’s withdrawal began to attract negative attention from the rest of their year, it was Chloe’s instinct for self-preservation that allowed her to let go of Rae. However it happened, Rae stopped calling and Chloe made herself stop caring. Still, it hurt that Rae hadn’t told her she was going to France.  


Seeing her again, folded in on herself in the front seat of her mother’s car, Chloe can only remember what she’s lost and how much she wants it back.  


She should have known though.

+++

She’d told Rae they were an exclusive bunch and they were, insofar as they kept pretty much to themselves. There was a small orbit of hangers-on, the odd football player lured by Chop’s party prowess and a smattering of school girls, circling the broody bad boy and the geeky rock god- but for the most part, it was just the four of them. They had their own language and their own rules, and ever since the day the boys had come to collect Izzy from dance class and Chloe had watched them bounce off each other in their perfect, private bubble, moving down the street as one, secure in their own tight-knit little kingdom with Izzy as it’s queen, Chloe had wanted in. 

+++

Rae Earl is holding court in the Swan. She’s loud and lively and the others buzz around her, hanging on her every word, eager to be entertained and ready to adore her. Rae and Archie are trying to out-funny each other and no one else can get a word in edgeways. Chop tries, but the others have given up and are just enjoying the show. Rae’s eyes get bright and shiny and her cheeks are all pink from laughing and she looks happy. She is beautiful in full flight. Right now, she is the centre of their universe. The ridiculous thing is she doesn’t seem to notice. Chloe does. 

It stings a little, how easily Rae fit in when Chloe’d had to work at it. Chop and Izzy adored her immediately and Archie soon after. Even the famously reticent Finn crumbled eventually, and he didn’t seem to like anybody outside the other three. It was almost as if they’d been waiting for her. Chloe gets it though, she’s Rae’s biggest fan.

+++

Loving Rae may be Chloe’s one true act of defiance. In the face of the life-long brow beating she’s endured from her mum about what is and isn’t proper, Rae is Chloe’s hero. For all the things she is and all the things she refuses to be. But there’s a flipside. That kind of fierce love for things we cannot see in ourselves can cause a backlash. Jealously and envy, spite and cruelty all live beside the loyalty and admiration. If Chloe has to live by the rules, so should Rae. 

So every win Chloe has is held up to be measured against her, and it pisses Chloe off when Rae fails to be impressed by the things that are supposed to be important. 

+++

Chloe and Finn are relegated to the cheap seats, stuck together at what feels like the kid’s end of the table. It only adds to Chloe’s sense of melancholy. 

Chloe found Finn dull and sour in the beginning and he’d been the least responsive to her efforts to make friends. Mostly silent, he always hung back, draping himself sullenly over his chair, dragging smoke into his lungs with an air of boredom and disdain and a tiny whiff of judgement. 

Lately, he seems softer ‘round the edges, he smiles and laughs, and toys with the idea of joining in. There’s an excitement he’s not quite sure what to do with; an ease and a lightness she’s never seen him wear before. 

Like the rest of them, he’s caught up in Rae’s good mood, so when he speaks to her, low and private, it’s a shock. 

He offers her a real smile and a damp yellow beer mat, along with some nonsense about the history of happiness. It’s absolute bollocks but it’s sweet and it’s funny and it’s the first time Chloe’s felt truly seen in ages. It only lasts a moment, before his eyes dart back to the other end of the table, anxious not to miss anything, but Chloe lingers in the warmth of his unexpected kindness for the rest of the afternoon. 

Maybe nice was what Chloe needed. Something normal. She won’t let herself think about Steven and what he’d cost her; he was supposed to be her prize but it hadn’t felt like winning. Chloe should have known better. There’s always a price to pay. Nothing comes for free.

But she refuses to look back, won’t count the things she’s lost, won’t let the past slow her down. With a shark-bright smile locked in place, she moves ever forward.

+++

Chloe would love to know what Rae thinks of Finn. When things didn’t work out romantically with Archie, Rae started to keep her cards close to her chest when it came to lads. If he’s not fronting a band, Rae doesn’t seem to have an opinion. Chloe keeps teasing her about who she fancies, who she’d snog, who she wants to shag, but Rae won’t take the bait. 

Things have gotten better between Rae and Finn, she knows that much. 

They still dance around one another, always wary. Chloe watches them watching each other, circling like big cats, deliberately sitting at opposite ends of whatever table they’re at. They no longer snarl at one another; he hasn’t snapped at her in ages and she doesn’t roll her eyes quite so much. Rae’s stopped calling him names, to his face anyway.  
Sometimes he’s bolder, he’ll sit a little closer; try and draw her attention, even if it does end with her teasing him. 

Maybe Finn has a little crush on Rae, but that’s okay, they all do. Everyone’s a little bit in love with Rae. 

Part of her really hopes Finn’s not the one Rae wants. Chloe doesn’t like making Rae feel bad about being Rae, but she’ll do it if she has to.


End file.
